For a long time I had been suffering from anxiety, part of my job is to listen to people that is sometimes in need to share a lot of their painful history, many of my clients share stories of having suffered different types of abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, abandonment, rape. Listening to their stories always triggered an anxiety in me; I felt fear that something like what happened to them could happen to me or to a love one. Although I know God is watching and taking care of me and my family, I had made up a ritual to let go unpleasant thought which was washing my hands constantly, I had embrace that ritual for any negative thought that came in to my mind, so I would watch my hands many times during the day. I was developing and obsessive compulsive disorder and I never talked about it or my secret rituals, part of the disorder. I was embarrassed to talk about it, I knew this was controlling me, and I did not have control over it, I knew this was a compulsive disorder and I had to look for help, because when I couldn’t wash my hands I would feel terribly anxious about it.
During the last weeks at prayer meetings, we have been sharing prayer and I had the opportunity to be prayed over. I share for the very first time my fear and shame about this disorder I have lived with, for so many years. During the prayer I was asked if I had memories of how this disorder had started, or something I could connect to it. I was trying to remember and what was coming to my mind I did shared with the small group that was praying for me. They very kindly listen to me and pray for me. My prayer minister did directed me through five key steps of healing: Repentance, forgiveness, renunciation, authority and the Father’s blessing. I was not sure how I was feeling, mostly confused and unsettled.
At the end of the prayer time, I got back to my sit, and I was feeling like a straggle within me; I felt a force trying to get out of me and I felt shaky, then I felt something that liberated me, I felt tears coming down my face and I continue the prayer within me.
During the week after the prayer meeting I was driving and a memory pop up in my head, and was a very sad memory, when I was about ten years old, I remember that around my neighborhood, a child about my same age, had been raped and killed, that was a brutal crime, horrendous, and I remember listening to what had happened to this little girl whom I never met, but I did learn her name and saw her picture and remember her still very well. I then remembered how that horrendous thing had impacted me and my community, my parents were terrible afraid for me, they were protective and watchful, they made comments that made me think that could happen to me too, and I became very anxious about it. I was afraid always that something like that could happen to me or someone I love, and it was when I started to have this fearful thoughts. I prayed for this beautiful child that suffered, I pray for all the children and people that had suffered or are at risk of this. I prayed and I felt a lot of pain, I did realized I was very hurt in my heart, I was hurt by the horrendous crime that this little girl had suffered, and how that had made me suffered too as a child, knowing that an innocent like me had died in that way. I prayed to God and I cried, and I felt God close to me, and I asked Jesus where was him when this happened to this baby, where is him when this happen to people. Jesus showed me an image in my heart, I saw Jesus covering with his precious blood this beautiful girl, I saw Jesus embracing her and crying with her, and I saw Jesus taking care of me too. My Lord Jesus is in my pain, was in her pain and is in all of our pains and sufferings. I felt how Jesus has been walking with me since always. I ask Jesus forgiveness for not trusting him fully many times. I felt how Jesus freed me from ties and broke chains today. I feel free.
I feel liberated from the tie of the past, and from the obsessive compulsive disorder I have had for many years, I don’t go compulsively to wash my hands since I was prayed over. I am free for the Greatest Glory of God. I am free because Jesus made me free, because he loves me and because he is here alive and true, and he is walking with me so close, so beautiful, so amazing.
Thank you Jesus for your love and your fidelity, thank you for carrying my pain and the pains of the humanity. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for me; thank you for not keeping not even a drop of your blood and giving everything for me. Thank you Jesus, my Jesus my love my Savior. Blessed are you Lord for ever and ever. Amen.
Diana